someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
