I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
