I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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