so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
