All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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