i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
