Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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