all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
