Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
