Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
