Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
