I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
