That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
