May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
