"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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