you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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