I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
