According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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