I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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