She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
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