No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
