can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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