her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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