what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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