Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
