Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
