I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
