you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
