There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
