12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
