FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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