The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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