i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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