god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize