So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
