i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
