I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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