wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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