i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
