there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
