im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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