Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
