she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
