my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
