Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
