the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
