dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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