yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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