Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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