Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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