yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
