U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
