I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize