tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
