did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
