i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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