I just pynch a tree in the face
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
