We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
