two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dicks are not precious.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize